Working with Bitches Page 24

  The simple act of connecting with things that matter might provide perspective. Some women find that everything about their role, apart from a mean girl, fits their values and provides meaning, and this gives them the energy to turn up at work each day, despite the bitch. However, if the work and the people are at odds with what is important to you, it might be better to leave and seek something that is a better fit.

  Focus. Good work requires focus. Focus may mean restricting access to e-mail, telephones, and other devices and distractions at certain times. Modern technology may provide valuable communication but it can also hinder concentration and clarity. Allow yourself certain times of the day to turn everything off and have some think time. Just because you can respond immediately to an e-mail or message does not mean you have to! You don’t want to feel on edge every minute of every day because the bitch can e-mail or call you—you won’t be able to relax. Most women are finding that it is more efficient to check e-mails at a couple of points in the day rather than every hour. As long as you have a system to let people know where you are, you don’t have to be available wherever you are. For example, “At a meeting at X until 3 P.M.; can collect messages then. If urgent, contact so-and-so.”

  Have Fun. Plan exciting activities in your life. We need to have little things to look forward to each week. Make doing fun things a habit. Interesting excursions don’t have to be expensive. Visit your city’s parks and walking trails where you can exercise. How about joining a community choir or taking up a hobby like gardening or dancing? Try to schedule these activities on days you dread the most. This will give you something to look forward to throughout the day.

  Relax. Take time out of your day to sit and relax. Practice breathing and being. Give your mind and body a chance to slow down. Doing this will allow you to become refreshed so you can better cope with life ahead. Try yoga, meditation, martial arts, painting, journaling, learning a second language, reading. Strive to make these stress-reducing steps a normal part of your daily life. Enjoy the results.

  Sleep. We need sleep, and women often report they rarely get enough. Sleep gives our brains a chance to solve problems and process information we have absorbed during the day. It also refreshes and revitalizes so that we can function the next day. Do you have difficulty falling asleep because you are going over the day’s conversations or upsets? When you get home, allow yourself a set time to review the day—for example, ten to twenty minutes. Make some notes in your journal. Now you can let the thoughts go. Similarly, when in bed, if you wake up from a nightmare about the bitch, which commonly takes the form of wild beasts, falling, being chased, or being involved in crashes, write it down. If you are lying there tossing and turning, write down the worries. Then drop them. It is easier for our brains to let go when we have made a note. Otherwise, your mind tries to retain a mental note, and that means you can’t get to sleep. Reassure yourself that you can put on your suit of armor again in the morning, read your notes, and prepare for battle. But for now, as part of your stress management plan, you will give yourself restorative sleep. Essential oils such as lavender or special blends can be calming. Regular massage can also be a helpful way to induce the relaxation response and help you to sleep. Aim for at least eight to nine hours when under high stress—the additional two hours will help the body and mind repair themselves and may prevent illness.

  Make Time for Numero Uno. Making time for yourself is critical; you need to separate from the bitch and regain your identity in your private life as someone without a nemesis. Spending time with family and friends or on personal interests can provide a different type of fulfillment to that which you get at work and a sense of nourishment that is the opposite to the interpersonal frustrations of working with a bitch. So go out and get involved. Go to a museum, an art gallery, a theater, the cinema, a sports event, or a concert. Engage in exercise. Play. Make time to do what makes you happy, and guard that time fervently. Physical movement also enhances your creative problem-solving skills, so you may return home with some good ideas.

  Stop (or at Least Slow Down). Truthfully examine how much time you are devoting to your work. Would it be helpful to create some space in your life? If possible, take a holiday, leave of absence, or sabbatical to give yourself time to decompress, reflect, and reconnect. Use your sick leave, or try working from home part-time. The point here is taking yourself out of the situation for as long as you can realistically afford to. This is particularly important if your scores for the stress or burnout questions on pages 220–221 ring alarm bells.

  Lighten Up. Every situation has a potentially humorous side—if you dare to look for it. Watch amusing DVDs and films; laughter is therapeutic. Brainstorm movie or book titles to describe your current work environment or a character to describe the bitch at work. Take your work seriously, but try not to take yourself too seriously.

  It’s Never Too Late

  It is never too late (or too early) to seek some professional and personal help. There are job-search experts, careers counselors, and vocational psychologists. You can also talk to people who have been through a similar situation, friends who will share their stories once you’ve lifted the lid, skill-development groups, and wise elders.

  CHAPTER 13

  Should I Stay or Should I Go?

  I had become a pain in the neck—I whined all the time about my boss’s being a real bitch, and people kept telling me I had to leave. But how would I pay the bills? Would I ever get another job? I couldn’t make a decision.

  —Angela

  Once you have become clear about the health and well-being costs of staying in your current work situation, the question “Should I stay or should I go?” needs careful consideration in light of those costs. Your specific stress factors will help you to determine the best course of action. Before you decide, you need to think the situation through in relation to what you know about yourself. Is the life that you are currently living worth the cost that you are paying to live it? We can’t accurately predict who will be deleteriously affected by which type of bitch, or explain why some women will need to take leave, will resign, or will just become bitter. We aren’t really sure why some women seem to have internal protection or resilience, and others have less or lose it more quickly. What is your hunch about yourself?

  Before you ditch your job because of a bitch, think the question through thoroughly; don’t make a reactive decision simply because you’ve had enough. Often it is a good idea to take some time off and have a break. If you can take a vacation, take as much time as you can and see how you feel after you have had some distance from her. Do you have accumulated vacation or sick time that you can take? Is disability leave a possibility? Use that time to have an extended break and consider your future. Sometimes you simply need perspective. You might come back refreshed enough to consider other options.

  What part does money play? What are your assets and debts, spending habits and needs? Could you work a four-day week or take leave without pay for a while? Could you take a different job at a lower level that you might enjoy more? Do you need some changes in other parts of your life? Are your core needs being met at work?

  When you are dealing with a bitch at work, you can feel constricted and heavy. One technique for opening up your creativity is to do some new and exciting things, outside work. They can help you have a sense of being alive, take you away from drudgery and distress, and help you to access your creative problem-solving skills. Some women set out to accomplish new goals, unrelated to work, to restore self-esteem—for example, they take up running marathons. Blocked from having wins in the workplace, they find that achieving other wins boosts self-confidence. This can help you to cope until you find a new job.

  Getting a Fresh Perspective

  Which goals are most important to you? It’s easy for the important things to get lost in the daily grind. Think about each of the following possibilities and what you would ideally like to do.

  Face Your Fears. Think about doing s
omething you have never done before. Try an extreme sport, visit an exotic location, drive a sports car, or go rock climbing. When you are feeling constrained by working with a bitch, you can lose your adventurous spirit and your risk-taking or thrill-seeking propensity. Being spontaneous helps you to face your fear of losing control and free yourself from rigid thinking. You might have been afraid that you would never get another job, and that has prevented you from setting boundaries, saying no, or even looking for a new job.

  Buy Yourself Some Thinking Time. Go away alone to think. Being surrounded by bitches, family, friends, and people in general can be cloying. Get away for a long weekend by yourself, and listen to your deepest needs and desires.

  Get a Makeover; Reconnect with Yourself. If you are thinking of leaving, you might begin to update your look, which can give you confidence that you are job-interview ready and able to act on short notice. Consider it an external cleanse to counteract the toxicity of the bitch at work.

  Put Things into Perspective. Catch up with friends you haven’t seen for some time. Listen to how their lives have been for them—you may have been so preoccupied by your work problem that you hadn’t realized how much worse things could be. You might reconnect with old friends and recognize that your work-related problem isn’t as severe as life and death issues; or decide that life is too short to stay in an unhappy workplace, and feel more ready to leave.

  Give Yourself an Ultimatum. See a financial counselor and get things sorted out. If you decide to take a stand at work, you will have a clearer idea of your financial fitness, and what is required. Make an ultimatum that outlines what you will and will not tolerate, or what you require in order to stay in the role. When you have nothing to lose because you know you have viable alternatives, you may have something to win. If you set the boundaries, you honor yourself. But you can only make an ultimatum if you are prepared to carry it through—you know what you can tolerate because you have done your homework (another job prospect lined up, enrollment in a course of study, your parents have agreed for you to return home to save some money, your financial counselor has prepared a budget, or your doctor has warned that your hypertension must be controlled). Whether work agrees, or fails to agree, you can move forward knowing that you did everything you could to change the situation.

  Be Prepared

  With a fresh perspective, you’re now ready to consider the following factors to help you to decide.

  Security. For some women, job security is essential. You might not feel comfortable leaving a secure position unless you have already lined up a new position. Some women simply leave as soon as they know they need to go. Only you can answer whether your anxiety about leaving secure employment would be greater than your anxiety about remaining in the orbit of the bitch at work.

  Well-Being and Health. Reflect on the results of your stress audit on pages 220–221, and consider the impact on your physical, emotional, and mental well-being. What does the information tell you? Regardless of your decision, you probably need to put a well-being plan in place. Which aspects are problematic, and which are you managing well?

  Financial Commitments. Consider your financial shape. What are your responsibilities, assets, debts, spending habits, and needs? It would be advisable to seek some financial planning assistance. Think about what really matters to you and challenge any “yes, but” responses you habitually make. You might find that you can live on less when you are not battling stress—less spent on treats, medications, treatments, food, and so on. For example, when you have good health and vitality, you are more likely to stock the fridge with healthy food to cook; you are less likely to need expensive holidays to prop yourself up; you can undertake more tasks, so you spend less on employing support services; and the list goes on. You may find that you take a drop in salary for a while, but you are then able to leapfrog to an even higher salary than your current one. Or you may discover that the move will mean less money and less aggravation. Some families are prepared to restructure loan commitments, sell items, or alter their lifestyle. You need to know your bottom line—what is the minimum you need to earn in order to survive?

  Family Support. Do you have support from your partner, family members, parents, social networks, friends, colleagues? It is important to have as much support behind you as possible. Social support is critical. Have some discussions with people who know you well—sometimes they can brainstorm terrific ideas, provide insightful feedback, and help you to decide how you may tackle this. In my experience, a number of women find that their partners or relatives urge them to do whatever they need to do to find some work happiness; these supportive people don’t care about a potential loss of income—they want the women to be well and happy and are prepared to make sacrifices to help.

  Job Prospects and the Marketplace. Do some reality testing. Check out vacancies to see what is being advertised. You need to get some sense of your current marketability. Talk with specialists, professional associations, and colleagues to get some idea of that. It takes around 18 months to 2½ years for women to make a significant career change. It may take anything from a few months to around a year to make a job change.

  Age. Is this a factor for you? This will be different for different age groups. What are the implications for any benefits or financial considerations? Employers don’t expect people to stay with one firm for a long time anymore; it is viewed as normal to change jobs, whatever your age.

  Capacity for Change. Does change sound exciting or daunting? Major career crises can make you change. Change within yourself happens after significant events happen to you. Is this a fork in the road for you? Depending on how confident you feel, look for a similar role, consider a major career or lifestyle shift, or examine methods of remaining with the organization but removing yourself from the vicinity of the bitch.

  Retraining. Maybe you can’t make a lateral move; if so, consider whether you are prepared to do some retraining or brushing up of current skills. Further study is always a useful activity: maintaining curiosity, forming new networks, and obtaining new knowledge and perspectives are beneficial for career development.

  Your Future Prospects. Review your patterns—do you have a tendency to leave a role every three to seven years, or are you usually offered new positions? What stage of your cycle are you in? You might find that waiting a year better suits your rhythm—you could pointlessly send halfhearted letters asking if there are job openings, or energetically research and apply for job vacancies the following year. You may even launch your own business when you have carefully prepared yourself and the time is right for you. If you get jobs via word of mouth, make sure you tell people that you are available, and ask friends if they can keep you in mind in case they hear of anything. Women sometimes find it valuable to reconnect with past managers and colleagues who may be in a position to alert them to possibilities—some fruitful business ventures have emerged from their reconnecting with people they have worked well with. Hang around the places and people you are interested in—propinquity is powerful for job opportunities. Research continues to demonstrate that most people’s job moves are connected with people they know.

  Her Future Prospects. Do a reconnaissance of the mean girl’s career path—is it likely that she may decide to leave? Could you wait her out?

  Be Prepared to Feel Disoriented

  If you decide to leave, go part-time, take a longer break, or do something different, you may feel disoriented for a while. As well as feeling relief from the process of deciding what you’ll do, you will have to make some adjustments. The longer you have been in the organization or industry and the harder you have been working, and the nastier your experiences with the bitch, the longer and more intense your recovery period will be. A formula that seems to fit is to match the time period—for example, if you have been dealing with a bitch for ten months, it may take ten months before you begin to feel that you have recovered.

  What Sort of Feedback Do You Receive at Work?

&
nbsp; Do a reality check, and think about the feedback you generally receive.

  If your manager insists that you don’t listen and throws your work back at you to be redone, or says you are sloppy, ask her to be more specific. If she says you are disorganized or lacking attention to detail, ask for an example. When you are both clear, you can then ask what, specifically, she would like and how she would be certain that you have reached her requirements. Now might be a good time to request some training or access to a mentor to assist you to meet her requirements—this makes it harder for her to refuse.

  If her innuendoes continue, it becomes clearer that she will never be happy with your performance and that she is blurring her dislike with her perception of your work performance. If, however, a bitch dislikes you but can acknowledge that your work is acceptable, then it may be viable to stay or at least to wait until you are ready to leave. But if she cannot see that you do the work properly, this may have some negative career consequences. How might you maneuver around them?

  Do You Want to Stay?

  Under what circumstances might it be a good idea for you to stay? The first question to ask yourself is do you want to stay?